Why - Chinese - Mothers - Are - Superior

华尔街日报：Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior 华人妈妈为什么牛

作者 : 曹武龙

(许多人奇怪中国父母怎么老培养出优秀的子女，他们不明白这些父母的孩子怎么老是数学专家或者音乐天才。这些家庭里有什么秘密？这些秘密是不是可以效仿？这些问题我可以回答，因为我自己就做到了。下面是我的两个女儿，苏菲娅和露伊莎从来不允许做的一些事情)A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

attend a sleepover(不在家过夜) have a play date (参加玩乐日) be in a school play(参演校园剧)

complain about not being in a school play(抱怨不能参演校园剧) watch TV or play computer games(看电视，玩电脑游戏) choose their own extracurricular activities(自己选择课外活动) get any grade less than an A(功课不拿A成绩）

not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama(任何一门功课不拿

第一，除了体育和戏剧)

?

play any instrument other than the piano or violin(弹除了钢琴和小提琴以外的乐

器)

?

not play the piano or violin.(不弹钢琴或小提琴)

I'm using the term \and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term \(我 下面说的“中国妈妈”是广义的。我也认识一些韩国的、印度的、牙买加的、爱尔兰的和加纳的父母符合我说的条件。同样地，有些中国血统的妈妈，她们大都在西 方出生，出于个人选择或者其他种种原因，不是“中国妈妈”。我下面说的“西方妈妈”也是泛指，西方

的父母也是各种各样的.)

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.(几乎没有例外，一些自认为十分严格的西方父母，也和中国妈妈的做法相距甚远。比如，我一些自认自己对孩子很严的西方朋友最多让孩子一天练30分钟乐器。对于中国妈妈来说，一个小时算轻松的，两三个小时才算得上严.)

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that \not good for children\roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. (我们都大可 对自己的文化特征大惊小怪。但无数的研究分析表明，在父母之道上，中国和西方有显著及可以量化的区别。有一项针对50位美国妈妈和48位中国妈妈的研究显 示70%的西方妈妈认为“强调学习成绩对孩子不好”，或者“父母应该培养学习是愉快的概念”。与此相对比，持同样观点的中国妈妈几乎是0%)

Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be \children did not excel at school then there was \job.\approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.(绝大多数的中 国妈妈说相信自己的孩子可以是“最好的”，“学习成绩显示了父母教育的成功”，如果孩子在学校不优秀，那父母有“问题”，他们“没做好自己的本分”。还有 研究显示，与西方父母相比，中国父母每天花在培训孩子学习上的时间大约多十倍。而西方孩子更多参与体育运动.)

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents

because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up.(中国家长认 为，任何事情，如果做不好，就不会有意思。要做好，就得努力。孩子如果放任自流，都不会努力，所以不理会他们的喜好是很重要的。要做到这一点，父母必须很 坚强，因为孩子会反抗。万事开头难，西方父母正是在开始阶段就放弃了.)

But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at somethingwhether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet,he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.(但如果方法恰当，中国式的教育可以带来良性循环。顽强的练习、练习、练习是达致完美 的关键，当然美国式的教育中对死记硬背评价甚低。但如果孩子开始在某一方面出类拔萃，不管是数学、钢琴、写作还是芭蕾，他/她就会得到表扬、赞赏和满足 感。于是信心建立，曾经无趣的活动变得有趣起来，然后父母又可以比较轻松地让孩子加倍努力)

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was youngmaybe more than oncewhen I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me \and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.(中 国父母会用一些西方父母不会用的招数。我小时候，可能不止一次，当我很不听妈妈话的时候，爸爸就会用我们家乡的福建话骂我是“垃圾”。这很有效。我当时很 不好受，对自己的所作所为感到羞愧。这也没影响我的自尊或其它方面。我很清楚他对我的看法，我也不会觉得自己一无是处或者真就像垃圾一样.)

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.(长大后，我有一次也这么对待苏菲娅，那次她很厉害地顶撞我，我用英文骂她是垃圾。后来在一次晚宴上我提起自己曾经这么干过，立刻就被孤立了。有一个叫玛熙的客人忍无可忍，哭着提前离开。我的朋友，那天当主人的苏珊，整晚忙着修复我和其他客人的关系)

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable even legally actionable to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, \weight.\\disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her \garbage.)(事实是中国父母的确能做出西方父母想都想不到的事情，当然是在 法律许可的范围内。中国妈妈可以对女儿说：“胖妞，要减肥了。”而西方父母会小心翼翼地围绕着这个问题说半天，最多提提“健康”之类的话题，连“肥”这个 字儿都不敢说。然后那些孩子最后还是因为暴饮暴食要接受治疗，还把自我形象全毁了。（我曾经听到一位西方父亲在酒席上夸自己成年的女儿“美丽能干”，那女 人事后告诉我她觉得自己像垃圾))

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, \of you.\about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.(中国父母可以命令自己的孩子全部都得拿A。西方父母只会要孩子们尽力而为。中国父母会说：“你太懒，你所有的同学都比你强。”而西方父母虽然心里也对孩子的成绩感到不是滋味，嘴上还得言不由衷地告诉孩子他们的成绩没让自己失望.)

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.(我也想过为什么中国父母会这么做。我觉得中国和西方父母的思维方式有三大区别.)

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.(首 先，我注意到西方父母队孩子的自尊特别在意。如果孩子事情没做好，他们担心的是孩子的感受，然后就不断告诉孩子他们其实很出色，即使孩子在考试和背书中的 表现很一般。也就是说，西方父母特别关心孩子的心理。但中国父母不是，他们在意的是坚强，而不是脆弱，于是结果也截然不同)

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most

likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child \\比 如，如果孩子拿了个A-回家，西方父母大都会表扬孩子，而中国妈妈却会满脸惊恐，问哪儿错了。如果拿个B回来，部分西方父母还是会表扬孩子，而另一部分西 方父母会和孩子坐下来，表达自己的不满意，但会很小心地不让孩子感到不安或者难受，他们绝不会骂孩子“笨”、“没用”或者“丢人”)

Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.(内心里西方父母也担心 孩子没考好，或者孩子对这门课的领悟不够，或者课程甚至学校有问题。如果孩子成绩不提高，父母最后大概会见一次校长，找找这门课教学的问题，甚至质疑任课 老师的资质)

If a Chinese child gets a B which would never happen, there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A. (如果中国孩子拿了个B回来，虽然这基本不可能，但首先会是一场夹杂着尖叫和怒发冲冠的大风暴。然后气急败坏的中国妈妈会找来几十份，甚至几百份练习卷，和孩子一起都做了，直到孩子拿个A回来)

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)(中国父母要求孩子拿高分，是因为他们相信 孩子能做到。如果孩子没拿到，中国父母首先认为是孩子不够努力，所以成绩不好的解决方法总是斥责、惩罚和羞辱孩子。中国父母相信自己的孩子能够坚强地接受 耻辱，然后提高成绩。（如果孩子成绩优秀，在家里父母会对孩子大加赞赏，甚至到让孩子自我膨胀的程度。）)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the

parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. (其 次，中国父母认为孩子的一切都是欠父母的。这里面的原因还不是很清楚，但也许来自儒家的孝道和父母为孩子做出的牺牲和贡献。（中国妈妈们的确亲力亲为，长 时间孜孜不倦地辅导、培训、盘问和监视自己的孩子。）无论如何，中国孩子必须穷尽一生，以服从和让父母引以为傲来回报父母）

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. \choose their parents,\who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.\deal for the Western parent.(而 相对地，我觉得大多数西方人不会认为孩子永远亏欠父母。我丈夫杰德的观点就和我的正好相反：“孩子没有选择父母，”他曾对我说。“他们甚至没有选择出生。 是父母把生命强加于他们的子女，所以供养子女是父母的责任。孩子不欠父母任何东西，他们的责任在他们自己的孩子身上。”听到这话我觉得西方父母太惨了.)

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleep away camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, \I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends.\(第 三，中国父母认为自己清楚什么对孩子最好，因而会否决孩子的要求和喜好。所以中国女孩儿不能在中学交男朋友，中国孩子不能去野外露营过夜。中国孩子也不敢 跟自己妈妈说：“我在校园剧里弄了个角色，我演路人甲；我每天3：00到7：00得在学校排练；我这周末要出去玩。”胆敢这么说的中国孩子，上帝保佑你 们)

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.(不要误解：不是中国父母不关心自己的孩子，恰恰相反，他们可以为孩

子放弃一切。只是父母之道的模式不同)

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called \composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cuteyou can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its masterbut it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.(下面是个中国式强迫的正面例子。大概7岁的时候，学着两种乐器的露露在练一首叫“小白驴”的曲子，作者是法国人雅克伊贝。这曲子很生动，可以让人想象到一头小毛驴跟着主人在乡间小路上漫步前行的情景。但对小孩子来说，这曲子非常难，因为需要两只手分别保持不同的节奏.)

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.(露露弹不下来。我们不停地练了一个礼拜，分手练，一次又一次，但一合起来，两手总是互相影响，然后整个曲子就散了。最后，在回课前一天，露露愤怒地跺脚宣布不练了.)

\. (“马上回钢琴去，”我命令)

\\你不能强迫我\

\Oh yes, I can.\当然可以。”

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have \Donkey\Army, why are you still here?\Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.(回 到钢琴上，露露开始发飚。她又踢又打，抓起乐谱撕烂。我把乐谱用透明胶粘好，然后套在透明塑料里，让她没法再撕。然后把露露的玩具屋拖到车里，说如果她第 二天不

把“小白驴”弹好，就一件一件地捐给救世军。露露说：“你去救世军啊，干嘛还站在这儿？”我威胁不让她吃午饭、晚饭，不给她买圣诞和光明节的礼物， 两年、三年、四年不给她买生日礼物。然后她还是弹错，我说她是故意乱弹，因为她心里害怕自己弹不好。我要她别犯懒，别当胆小鬼，别放纵自己，别装可怜。)

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Luluwhich I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating herand that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the techniqueperhaps she didn't have thecoordination yethad I considered that possibility? (杰德把我拉到一边，让我不要在羞辱露露了，但我不觉得自己是在这么做。我只是在激励她。但杰德认为吓唬露露也没用，而且，他说，没准儿露露真的就掌握不了这个技巧，也许她协调性还不够，我考虑过这个可能性吗？)

\.(“你就是不看好她，”我反唇相讥)

\That's ridiculous,\(“胡说，”杰德有点恼了。“我当然看好她\

\Sophia could play the piece when she was this age.\苏菲娅在她的年纪会弹这曲子.\

\But Lulu and Sophia are different people,\.(“可露露和苏菲娅是不同的个体啊，”杰德说)

\Oh no, not this,\mimicked sarcastically. \you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games.\别，别又来这套，”我翻着白眼说。“每个人都是特殊的个体哈？”我刻薄地模仿道。“失败者也有他们特殊的方式。别紧张，你不用出手。不管多久都我来，我无所谓当恶人。你做你的好人好了，给她们做煎饼，带她们去看棒球赛.\

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.(我卷起袖

子，回到露露身边。竭尽我能想到所有方法和策略，一直练到晚饭后的深夜，不让露露起身，不让喝水，不让上厕所。家里成了战场一样，我喊得喉咙都哑了，但还是不见起色，我自己都开始动摇了.)

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came togetherher right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thingjust like that. (就在这时，无缘无故地，露露弹下来了！她的双手突然配合好了，左右手都有条不紊了，就这么成了！)

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.(露露也发现自己成功了。我屏住呼吸，她又马上试了一次，然后又更自信地弹快了一些，节奏还是很好。一会儿之后，她笑了)

\leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed \weeks later, parents came up to me and said, \so her.\妈妈，看，真容易！”这以后她一次又一次地弹着，不愿意从钢琴上下来。那天夜里，她睡在我床上，我们依偎着抱在一起，说笑着。几个星期后她在一次演出中表演了“小白驴”，其他父母都过来跟我说：“露露弹得真好，她真棒！”)

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.(杰德也为此给了我赞许。西方父母太在意孩子的自尊。但作为父母，让他们放弃是对他们自尊最大的伤害。另一方面，做到自己本来以为做不到的事情，是建立自信心最好方式。)

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.(市面上很多书把 亚洲妈妈描绘成狡猾、冷酷、虐待孩子，对孩子真正的兴趣无动于衷。但在中国人看来，

他们比西方人更关心自己的孩子，愿意为孩子作出大得多的牺牲。而西方人 似乎对自己的孩子变坏相当高兴。我觉得两方面都误解了对方。所有真正的父母都想为孩子做到最好，中国人只是在怎么做上思想完全不同)

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.(西方父母试图尊重孩子的个性，鼓励他们追求自己的****，支持他们自己的选择，然后提供协助，营造环境。而中国人认为保护孩子的最好办法是帮他们准备未来，让他们看到自己的能力，赋予他们有关的技能、工作习惯和内心的自信，这是谁也夺不走的) By AMY CHUA 作者：蔡美儿.

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