英语幽默笑话精选

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这是我在平时的英语学习中见到的自认为经典的英语笑话,他们的语言地道,精炼准确,很适合中小学,高中,大学生自行学习,可背诵,再叙述,熟读等配合学习,希望对大家有所帮助!更多精彩期待中!

吝啬鬼的聚会

[ 2007-09-17 08:12 ]

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?" 结婚付出的代价

A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!

林肯过生日

[ 2007-09-13 09:14 ]

Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?

Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.

Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?

Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.

相亲

[ 2007-09-12 09:02 ]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

上帝的拼字游戏

[ 2007-09-11 09:02 ]

There was a little girl who was praying in her bedroom. When her grandfather passed by, he tried to listen while she was praying. But all he heard was "A, B, C, D, E, F..." through the whole alphabet. The girl recited it over and over again so the grandfather said, "Hey kid, what are you doing?" The granddaughter said, "I'm praying." So he said, "What kind of prayer is that?" And the girl said, "Well, I tried to pray to God, but I don't know what to say to Him. So I gave Him the whole alphabet, and He can put it together Himself." 老谋深算

[ 2007-09-10 08:26 ]

There was a 75-year-old multi-millionaire who had just married a beautiful 18-year-old blond girl. So his friends asked him, "How did you manage to get an 18-year-old girl to marry you, when you're 75?"

An导盲犬帮我看

[ 2007-09-07 09:04 ]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store.

The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

d the old man replied, "I told her I was 99, so she would marry me quick!"

长寿秘诀

[ 2007-09-06 08:08 ]

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise."

"Wow, that's amazing," says the woman. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

交换三明治

[ 2007-09-05 08:09 ]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they took out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them,―You can‘t eat your own sandwiches here!‖The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches

石油

[ 2007-09-04 08:00 ]

Teacher: What do we do with crude oil?

Pupil: Teach it some manners!

历史考试

[ 2007-09-03 08:12 ]

Aunt: How did Jim do his history examination?

Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. Why, they asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born.

复数形式

[ 2007-08-31 08:49 ]

Teacher: What is the plural of mouse?

Pupil: Mice.

Teacher: Good, now what's the plural of baby?

Pupil: Twins!

两块饼干

Mother: Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Pierre: Yes, Mum.

Mother: Why must I ask you twice?

Pierre: Because, Mum, I want two cookies.

老师和学生

[ 2007-08-29 08:15 ]

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.

Pupi: Life imprisonment!

蝙蝠的故事

[ 2007-08-28 08:17 ]

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

传教士买鹦鹉

[ 2007-08-27 08:20 ]

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

推销

[ 2007-08-24 08:05 ]

―Now, Madam,‖ said the salesman after showing his company's products, ―What do you need most at home now?‖

―Money, sir,‖ the woman said with no hesitation.

婚礼

[ 2007-08-23 08:11 ]

Mrs. Jones and her little daughter Karen were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception and all the excitement was over.

Karen said to her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mummy?"

"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Well," said the moppet, "She went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

父与子

[ 2007-08-22 07:56 ]

Father: You know, Tom, when Lincoln was your age, he was a very good pupil. In fact, he was the best pupil in his class.

Tom: Yes, Father. I know that. But when he was your age, he was President of the United States.

醉酒

[ 2007-08-21 08:01 ]

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interesting in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?"

"Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, "there's only ONE policeman!"

承诺的结果

[ 2007-08-20 08:00 ]

Father: I promised to buy you a car if you passed your examination, and you have failed. What were you doing last term?

Son: I was learning to drive a car.

学法语

[ 2007-08-17 08:34 ]

Son: Dad, is French difficult to learn?

Father: My boy, at the beginning it is, but after that it becomes easy.

Son: That's great! I'll learn the latter half.

两磅李子

[ 2007-08-16 08:25 ]

Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him a pound and a half.

Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?

她是卖糖果的！

[ 2007-08-14 16:41 ]

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.

"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy."

他的耳朵在我口袋里！

[ 2007-08-14 08:00 ]

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

拳击和赛跑

[ 2007-08-09 17:57 ]

Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I'm teaching my boy to fight."

Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who's also been taught how to box."

Dan: "I'm teaching him how to run, too."

哪只鼠最牛？

[ 2007-07-30 09:10 ]

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

碎杯子的秘密

[ 2007-08-08 11:04 ]

A servant broke a cup. His master was very angry and asked, "How did you break it?"

―Do you really want to know?‖ the servant picked up another cup and threw it onto the ground, ―I broke it like this.‖

突发奇想——老公和老婆的由来

[ 2007-08-05 10:11 ]

Why does a man want to have a WIFE?

Because…

W--- Washing

I--- Ironing

F--- Food

E--- Entertainment

Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND ?

Because…

H---Housing

U---Understanding

S---Sharing

B---Buying

A---and

N---Never

D---Demanding

还我安宁！

[ 2007-08-02 08:00 ]

"May I borrow your record player tonight?" a man asked his neighbor. "Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?"

"No,‖ he answered. ―Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet."

没听懂的―睡眠药‖

[ 2007-07-30 09:09 ]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

猪的时间

[ 2007-07-25 08:27 ]

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.

The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

我的羊哪去了？

[ 2007-07-10 08:02 ]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft.

Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.

They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Trying to be impressive

[ 2007-07-04 22:13 ]

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

―我已经反着穿了！‖

[ 2007-07-02 08:00 ]

A woman said to her husband, ―dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?‖

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, ―I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?‖

His wife was very angry at this. ―How lazy you are!‖ She shouted, ―To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.‖

经典对白--如何拒绝男孩子

[ 2007-06-30 09:26 ]

语言反映智慧。一起来看看以下搞笑经典的对白吧，你会发现我们身边的语言是多么智慧！

Boy: May I hold your hand?

Girl: No thanks,it isn't heavy.

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes,and this one will be if you sit down.

Boy: Haven't I seen you some place before?

Girl: Yes.That's why I won't go there anymore.

Boy: I'd like to call you.Your number?

Girl: It's in the phone book.

Boy: Hi,didn't we go on dates before? Once or twice?

Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice.

Girl: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring?

Boy: Sure,what's your telephone number?

Girl: I think the poorest people are the happiest.

Boy: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

哪是麻雀，哪是燕子

[ 2007-06-30 09:17 ]

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 答非所问！

[ 2007-06-29 08:00 ]

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class : Maria!

You're not going to make it

[ 2007-06-28 09:42 ]

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.

"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said, "but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything. Finally, care for him with love every day."

On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"I'm sorry," she said, "but you're not going to make it."

谁的狗最聪明？

[ 2007-06-27 08:56 ]

Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. The first man, an engineer, called to his dog, "T Square, show your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.

The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead." The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled opened a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.

The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.

The last man was a government worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it". With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.

都是―瞎子‖惹的祸

[ 2007-06-26 08:40 ]

A drill sergeant ordered two young female recruits to paint a room in the barracks, stressing that they do not get any paint on their uniforms.

Doubtful they could avoid ruining their clothes, the women locked the door, stripped naked and painted in nude. After about an hour they heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asked one of the women.

"Blind man," came the reply."

Seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, they opened the door.

"Wow, what knockouts!" the man said with surprise. "Now, where do you want there blinds?"

―让我司机回答！‖

[ 2007-06-25 08:32 ]

A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off."

"Sounds great," the scientist said.

When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled in the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.

"Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.

The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied, "so easy, and I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it."

漫画之―晕机袋‖

[ 2007-06-24 11:25 ]

这则笑话讲述的是在这个名叫ace的航空公司（ace airlines）的会议上，一个职能部门的管理者向其他管理人员做报告，报告的内容是公司近期晕机袋的使用量。他沾沾自喜地说：我们的公司的晕机袋的使用量在下降，原因是我们停止了对食品的供应。

―邋遢‖的回答

[ 2007-06-22 08:45 ]

My 16-year-old son, Jeff, is a boy any parent would be proud of-until you see the floor of his room, covered with layers of clothes, magazines and sports equipment.

Recently I accompanied Jeff to the credit union where he opened up his first bank account. While the credit officer was processing the paper work, I told Jeff he needed a safe, accessible place to store his passbook.

"I know, Mom," he replied. "I'll keep it on my floor."

歌德的宽容

Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in Weimar.

As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them

stopped, staring at each other.

Then the critic said: ―I will never make way for a fool.‖

―But I will.‖ With that Goethe retreated aside.

You lose

[ 2007-06-19 08:00 ]

A smart society woman was sitting next to President Coolidge at a party.

― Oh, Mr President,‖ she said smilingly, ―you are so silent. I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you.‖

― You lose.‖ The President said.

Tit for tat

[ 2007-06-14 08:00 ]

Puccini, the composer of the Opera Madame Butterfly often sent a cake to his director Toscanini at Christmas. One year, he did so as usual, but he suddenly remembered he had had words with that famous director. He was very sorry for it. He was afraid that Toscanini might return it. So he sent a telegram: "Sorry. Cake sent by mistake. Puccini." Soon he received a reply: "Sorry. Cake eaten by mistake. Toscanini."

An unlucky man

[ 2007-06-13 08:28 ]

Once Bernard Shaw was having a walk when some harum-scarum cyclist ran into him and Shaw fell to the ground. The cyclist was very sorry and came off his bike to help Shaw get on his feet. Fortunately Shaw was not hurt. The cyclist apologized to Shaw, but Shaw said, "I‘m sorry that you are unlucky. If you had killed me, you would be known all over the world."

The answering machine

[ 2007-06-12 08:24 ]

中国家庭并不常用电话答录机（Answering Machine),但在北美家庭，几乎家家

都用。外来电话拨入时，若该电话号码的主人不在，就会让拨入者听到一段留言，这叫Answer。绝大多数的Answer都是千篇一律的：说明主人不在，请拨入者留下简短信息及姓名电话号码等。

以下几则特别的Answer体现了美国人的幽默，你能体会出其幽默所在吗？

(1) Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(2) Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

(3) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

(4) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

(5) Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

(6) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us

The voice

[ 2007-06-11 08:00 ]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and kill you."

The man did as he was instructed, and just then, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Past tense

[ 2007-06-08 09:22 ]

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

The job interview

[ 2007-06-07 08:00 ]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

I'm talking to you

[ 2007-06-06 08:00 ]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom‘s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you‘re drunk!"

雪茄盒

[ 2007-06-05 08:00 ]

Little Alice was heartbroken when her pet canary (1) died, and to soften the blow, her father gave her a cigar box for a coffin and assisted in burying the canary in the back yard.

―Daddy.‖ Whispered Little Alice after the funeral, ―Will my dear little birdie (2) go to Heaven?‖

―I expect so,‖ replied her father.‖Why?‖

―I was only thinking,‖ murmured (3) Little Alice,‖how cross (4) St. Peter will be when he opens the box and discovers there are no cigars in it.‖

没关系

[ 2007-06-04 08:00 ]

Hurrying my 11-year-old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light where it was prohibited.‖Uh-oh,‖ I said, realizing my mistake. ―I just made an illegal turn .‖

―I guess it‘s all right.‖My daughter replied, ―The police car behind us did the same thing,‖

狗也知道这个谚语吗

[ 2007-06-01 08:00 ]

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

The first 3 years of marriage

[ 2007-05-29 20:30 ]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Q: Tennis player Andy Murray recently said that beating an opponent in the Australian Open was tricky because ―him being a lefty makes it tougher‖. Why? Isn‘t it just as hard for a lefty to play a righty?

A: There are few lefties left. So righties play lefties less often than they play righties, and when they do they‘re left right in it. Right?

猜硬币

[ 2007-05-30 08:00 ]

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

与上帝对话

[ 2007-05-25 08:00 ]

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "Wait a minute."

真棒

[ 2007-05-24 08:33 ]

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

B: Yes, of course.

A: Great! I never could before!

大人物

[ 2007-05-23 08:00 ]

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

打击乐手 v.s. 指挥

[ 2007-05-21 08:00 ]

I was a percussion major when I was in university, and during a particular rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept getting things worse.

―When you‘re too dumb to play anything,‖ the professor conducting us sneered, ―they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back and call you a percussionist.‖"

A friend next to me whispered, ―And if you‘re too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they put you in front and call you a conductor.‖

摩西和耶稣

[ 2007-05-16 08:24 ]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it.

Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".

He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you".

He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES".

He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES".

The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

A poor man

[ 2007-05-14 08:39 ]

"Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady， "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind."

"You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins."

The amazing flying dog

[ 2007-05-09 08:00 ]

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

Cow on train tracks

[ 2007-05-08 08:30 ]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

He's a very smart dog

[ 2007-04-30 08:00 ]

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog.

It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

A "mud" marriage

[ 2007-04-28 08:00 ]

这则笑话的韵意在于上司对自己婚姻的比喻，婚姻是一个mixture，而糟糕的婚姻是mud。

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical.

"I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."

雪球

[ 2007-04-27 08:00 ]

有时候，老外的执著就在于不善于配合你的游戏，而坚持自己的意见。既然是精神和心理方面的评估检测，那么你有假设的权利，我也同样有的。

Although fighting the enemy is considered normal, the Army frowns upon fighting among the troops.

So much so that after one too many battles royal, my uncle was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation in which he had to endure some odd questions.

"If you saw a submarine in the Sahara, what would you do?"

"Well, I'd throw snowballs at it," he answered.

"Where'd you get the snowballs?" the doctor asked.

"Same place you got the submarine."

What is his occupation

[ 2007-04-25 08:46 ]

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Fool

[ 2007-04-24 08:00 ]

Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him.

He opened one and found it contained the single word ―Fool.‖ Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words：

―I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.‖

Imitation

[ 2007-04-23 09:00 ]

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. ―Well, sit down and eat your tea,‖ said his mother. ―Your stomach‘s hurting because it‘s empty. It‘ll be all right when you‘re got something in it.‖

Shortly afterwards, his dad came in from the office, complaining of (1) a headache.

―That‘s because it‘s empty,‖ said his bright (2) son. ―You‘d be all right if you had something in it.‖

Girl'name

[ 2007-04-20 08:00 ]

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles after my beloved late (1) father, despite family warnings that the name was too masculine (2).

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, ―Your name is very special .I named you after my own father (3) because I loved him very much .I know he would be proud of you.‖

Sooner or later

[ 2007-04-19 08:00 ]

―Young man, where do you work?‖ the judge asked the defendant.

―Here and there,‖ said the young man.

―What do you do for a living?‖

―This and that.‖

―Take him away,‖ said the judge.

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